This is all Hypothetical, of Course

I love those moments when you're flying high, and you're just so happy to be alive and your smile lights up your face. You don't care about anything then, because you're so thrilled inside that anything goes.

But then there are those days when you're stuck at your little sister's birthday parties, and the two hours are the worst because there are like ten five and six-year-olds running around and you're in charge because your parents ditched you and your other siblings ditched you. All except the little sister whose party it was, and the baby brother who is, well, a baby brother and therefore just makes things worse.

And you're trying to explain the game Simon Says to the little kids and trying to stop them from being so loud and to please everyone so they don't whine or cry. And you're just tired and sick of it but you have to do this. And you're looking at the little kids and thinking you know exactly what they're gonna be when they grow up.

There are the loud ones, the ones who always take control, and there are those quiet ones who just go with the flow. There are the ones who will bully, and those who will be bullied. There are the ones who cheat at something as innocent as pin-the-flower-in-the-princess's-hair. Actually there were a lot of those, and you can tell. But there were some whose blindfold was a blindfold and who got candy anyway because you refuse to let the people who don't deserve to win win.

And you're worn out and the entire day you're just flopping around finishing homework and knowing you look terrible as always, and texting people who don't text back and wondering why, when you almost always reply and quickly. 

And then your friend actually does text you to tell you that she's training to be a cheerleader, and you're congratulating her and telling her that she'll make it, because she will, because she's going to be gorgeous and forget you.

So you stalk people on Facebook like any normal teenager and you keep finding more beautiful people with their freckles perfectly shading the tip of their nose, and their face clear, every hair in place, every feature attractive. You're wondering why cheerleader personalities are called cheerleaders, but then you realize that they cheer up guys. And ya know, the people like you don't matter since it's not like they're cool enough to say. After all, you and those like you?

They're not perfect. They're not beautiful. They're not short, they're not awkward, they're not afraid to be themselves. They're not rejected, they're not hurt, they're not whispered about behind their backs, and they're not ... me.

This is all hypothetical, of course.

I prefer better days.

Halloween

On the other side of the lake adjustments are still to be made. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for and proud of my best friend for making friends and having fun! Although I can't say that I'm not even a little jealous of what she's got. Not that my life here is terrible, it's doable. But it's not like it used to be.

Like, there was this huge party, and everyone knew about it, it was even being hosted by this girl in my Seminary class named Devree. And I heard people talk about it, but of course I didn't get invited cause I don't know anyone. I haven't gone to a single party here, normally in by now I would have gone to maybe two or three. Cause everyone knew everyone else and it was just really... nice.

I don't want to say that I am having problems here, but I do feel like I am that one girl that everyone is nice to out of obligation. Like, the two friends I have made, I went to the mall with yesterday, right? Sounds fun and all good. But it wasn't. At lunch I was asking Emily if she was staying after for basketball. She said no, she couldn't because she lost he knee brace and couldn't play basketball without it.

Then, Mady pipes up saying that also another reason Emily can't come is that Emily is coming to her house after school and then they were going to the mall to go shopping. So then she invited me to come along if I wanted. So I figured okay, and called up my mom and got it all sorted out. I got to go and I started out really excited.

Well, turns out they were shopping for Halloween costumes. Which really would not be a big deal. Except that a couple weeks before we'd planned to be Snap Crackle and Pop. But then for some reason that I never found out pans fell through and I got a text telling me that I needed to come up with my own costume. I was disappointed yes, but I figured oh well right?

Turns out that they were shopping for the Mario and Luigi costume that they were going to do together. So for hours I got to follow them around two different malls helping them to pick out their costumes that I didn't get to be a part of.

But I guess I have to be okay with that. I mean, I did come in and intrude on everything that they had. And maybe I have to find my own person to be Mario and Luigi with. Although honestly, in retrospect, I hope you all now that I would never in my life, agree to being Mario and Luigi.

What Friends are For

On Wednesday, I wrote my friend DQ a letter and she wrote back in the same class period. We wrote them all the time in middle school, and it's just ... nice to know that someone is willing to not pay attention to our English teacher {with her tendency to call on random people} just to think of things they want to say to me.

Yesterday, I had tons of fun in French performing a play. Here it is! It was hilarious and we got laughs from the class, but even though I wrote most of it and it wasn't that great, it was great to do that with my French buddies. I didn't have French buddies last year, and I've enjoyed my French class all the more. OK, in part it's Madame Tyler, my fun and funny prof, but still. 

Later that day I went to the football game that was my school vs. my old-school-where-most-of-my-friends-are-at, and my band teacher intimidated me into not ditching PEP. But then again, I had a dance party with my friends Piper and Emily, and we laughed and joked and complained about how we were so tired and we were freezing. {I was wearing flip-flops. Worst decision ever.}

However, I had third quarter free so I went over to the other side, and once my pals saw me they hugged me, which relieved me of some of my coldness. It was great just standing there smiling my widest and laughing and belonging and being embraced, even if it was only for a few minutes.

And today, I played kickball in PE and my team lost, but we were happy anyway. I remember Coach gathering us together in the end, saying, "Raise your hands if you smiled or laughed at all during the game." I shared glances with a girl named Myla, who was next to me in line whenever our team managed to squeeze three outs out of the winning one, and we both giggled. We kind of fail kicked.

Anyhow, every hand was raised. Then Coach said, "Now keep your hand up if you think you're bad at kickball."

Most hands went up; then Coach said, "Okay, now raise your hand if you had fun anyway." And you know what? We were all touching the sky.

This picture refuses to be clarified,
but it is my actual smile. Pre-braces,
of course. I wish I had that smile back!
My smile died! It is now in pain!

I ate lunch with various friends today, and we ended up standing in the lunchroom laughing and laughing. The best thing was that I really didn't care if anybody saw me, because I was happy. I WAS HAPPY!!!! I've never had such a great day in this school so far.

And in Biology, Piper and Kira and I tried to smother our laughs as we quoted the ASDF movies, ate the goldfish Kira brought, and just did whatever. We all agree that Biology is pretty much our best class because even though sometimes we're stuck doing things like watching this freakin' UGH cell video, we're together and we're friends. I love that class because I'm wearing my smile all the time. 

I was worried that a new school with older people would make it harder because everybody has their friends already, but now I have all these wonderful friends and it hasn't even been two months. It took me a whole year to form the friendships with the people at my old school, but this time it was so quick, but so great.

They're not the same; they're never the same. I miss my old friends more than ever, especially Pepper, but I'm just so happy that I have real friends at school now. Real friends who are just like Pepper & pals ... real friends whom I can do anything with and still enjoy it. Real friends who make me laugh, make me smile, make me randomly burst into song and nerdy quotes. Real friends who keep me warm.

That's what friends are for. So make one.

Holding On & Letting Go

Well as usual Mint has gotten around to letting you know about our latest get together before I do. But I guess I could still debrief you on the experience from my point of view!

It was nice, to be around people I'm familiar with. I love going to these things and seeing everyone again and it's just like how it used to be. I know that it's probably not smart to keep going to these things. Because every time I do it reminds me of just how much I am missing out on. And yeah, that sucks. But I don't want to let my past go. There is so much that I am trying to hold on to. 

It is so hard to try and pick up and start a new life. Even harder when all those around you already have it the way that they want it. They're all content and it makes me feel like I am almost just a burden to everyone around me. Like they're all just being nice to me out of obligation.

I know, I'm whining. I should try and see the silver linings. And I guess there are a lot. There are so many great people that I've met. I never would have met them had I not moved. And it is so weird to think that all these people that are a part of my life have existed here and lived their lives and I never even knew them. It really opens me up to how big the world is.

There are so many tings I've never realized. And one of them is that there is so much going on all the time. I feel caught in between two worlds. It's almost like alternate dimensions. While one thing is going on here, another is thing is going on back home. 


People go through problems every day. And here I am so preoccupied with my past. Wouldn't it be better if I could just rather than cry over what I lost and mope about what I haven't gained, to help others get through their problems. It doesn't take much. Just compliment someone, give them a smile, wave to them in the halls.

It seems like such a little thing, but the effect it has is phenomenal. Yesterday a girl named Cecile told me that I had really pretty eyes, she didn't even know how down I had been feeling, and she had no idea how much that little thing brought me up. 

And today in ASL, I got paired up with a girl named Makayla who I didn't really think cared too much for me. But as soon as she saw that we were partners she grinned and hurried over to me and I actually had the most fun I'd had in that class in a while. 

These sort of things are making it easier to move on and adjust. I know that I will never forget or fully move on from my old life, and I don't want to. But right now I am holding on too tightly to what's already gone, and I need to start letting go.

I think I'm more okay with the idea now though. 

The Ones Who'll be Around Again

So on Monday, I decided to go skating with my friends and was delighted to find out that Pepper was going to be there, too! It was kind of a surprise, since I didn't know if she'd be able to make it--after all, it's about a forty-five minute drive for only two hours of ice skating, which she hasn't done much before. But still, it warmed me right up to walk into that building and be ambushed by my best friend in a red coat. 

There weren't very many people when I got there, but soon enough most of my friends were. We just skated around and around, the funny thing is that even if you're in a freezing building doing repetitive motions with the blades strapped to the feet of everyone around you, yourself included, you can still enjoy yourself just because friends are around you.

The weird thing about that day was that it was pretty much the first time anyone ever came up to me while skating. Normally I go to fast or something, because nobody catches up to me and says "Hey Mint!" and talks to me about, you know, life or something just as pointlessly interesting.

But this time, it seemed that every single person had a conversation with me, and I didn't even start half of them. I danced with Maddie and Melissa when songs we knew and loved came on the radio, and I giggled and made heart signs whenever a certain two friends skated together. I even talked to the guys, who weirdly decided to stop and skate with me.

It's nice being with friends and knowing you're appreciated. It's nice that even after a long conversation with plenty of awkward pauses, people will still come back for another round.

That's what I love about most of my friends from last year and the year before--they're always around. They'll come around again, even after fights or misunderstandings. They'll come around again, even though we're split down the almost-middle with schooling and we've all got new friends.

And then there was Wednesday, when I went to sit with some of my friends and the rest of their cool, popular group. I guess something in everyone wants to be part of a group like that, but when I went there I realized that they were already happy with each other. And you know what? I don't resent that. Sometimes people just don't belong. So I thanked them for their time and the next day, I wandered around with my friends, who were already waiting for me and wondering where I'd been the day before.

There are Emilee and Nicole, who sit with me on the bus. We talk about books and boys and Halloween and all sorts of things that are useless but for the fact that they help us enjoy each other's voices and companies. There's Noemi, who hugs me even if we only met a couple weeks ago at the start of school. There's Chastin, who introduces me to her friendly friends and takes me to her English teacher so we can write a vocabulary word on the board {amelioriation! my favorite!}. There's Ysabelle, who's put these jingly panda charms on my backpack and hasn't asked for them back. There's Carmen, who laughs with me and waves when we see each other in Band. There's Erica, who finds me in the hallway and delays going to class to talk to me. There's Caroline, who's invited everyone to her house for lunch on Fridays.

Then there's Amy, who finds me in the mornings and sticks around and is introduced to my friends, who immediately take her in. She and I have conversations about school, and she tells me how everyone in her ward had already forgotten her, but I know she's smiling because, like me, she's made peace with the fact that some people are like that. And ... we both didn't forget each other. And you might roll your eyes saying "How can you forget her? You two have known each other for five years. You've been going to the same school and everything!"

But think about it. Who did you know five years ago? Are you still talking to them, still friends with them? 

I try my best. I just want to find my place. I just want to have people who are still coming around even when we're fifty just to sit on my porch and talk. I just want to have friends like Pepper who don't care what the distance is, what the difference is. I'm just here to find out which of the people here I'll still talk to in five years, I'll still come up to and say a little more than "Hi." I want to be that kind of friend to people.

So ... maybe I got off to a rough start, but a calm sea never made a sailor.

The Quirks of My Laugh and My Fish Cracker Skills

Sadly Mint beat me to the chase in informing you guys of our sleepover.

So no laughing at the shortness that I am sure this post will end up being. Mint already told you guys about all our highlights and adventures. Like our eating of fish crackers and falling asleep at probably 2 AM in the morning. And us just being our fun weird quirky selves.

But, I was being sneaky and reading her post (gasp! I know, outrageous) and she forgot to mention a couple things. So I decided to! Just to let you guys know more about it, cause I'm sure you guys love hearing all this strange stuff.

First and not included in the title is our ice fish. Or more so fish ice... I have this amazing, phenomenal, and revolutionary rubber ice maker. It lets you make ice in the shape of fish. Well I thought that this was the coolest thing in the world so I bought it. It's pretty small and you can only make around 10 pieces at a time, but seriously. It's worth it cause then you have little fishies swimming around in your water and it's like... yay!
Just pure happiness.

And then there was those delicious grasshoppers that we ate. They were super yummy, and like my favorite flavor in the world. I could eat a billion grasshoppers. They were too big to throw up in the air and catch in my mouth though :( Don't worry. I don't eat bugs! Ew. That just sounds so nasty! But I do eat mint (Eek! Not my best friend flavored cookies! Just the mint plant flavored cookies. You know, the ones that are made by tiny elves! :)

DOTS. Have you ever played that game? It is just about the best game ever. Although there are a lot of people out there that would just become overly frustrated with it, I just love it! And I decided to share my love/addiction with Mint!  And with us being so twinnerful I got her addicted to it too. I know, I know, I'm such a bad influence! But it's all right as long as I am getting her addicted to something fun.... right?

Plus my fish cracker skills! In which you throw tiny bite sized (not to be confused with irrationally named fun sized candies, what's so fun about smaller food portions?) foods into the air and oh so awesomely catch them in your mouth. I have gotten super good at it and Mint had never done it before, so we got a little bit of teaching experience and learning the art of how to properly strangely eat fish crackers.

Lastly is my laugh! Mint thinks that it is super funny. And I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I guess I can forgive her cause she is my best friend. Basically I just make these super weird choking/squeaking sounds cause I am laughing so hard I can't breathe and all. It's just super strange and not really all that cute. But that's okay, cause at least it allows me to breathe eventually!!

Starlight

So, at 7:30 last night, Pepper came over. She knocked on the door, but by then I was already racing downstairs, having seen her car pull up. I'd been trying to read but tapping my toes for the past hour, since even though the last-minute sleepover {first time anyone's slept over besides family guests} still had time to make my nerves have a dance party. It wasn't actually nerve-wracking ... more of an impatience.

I threw open the door and hugged Pepper first thing. I love hugs so much. It's like immediate connection, a sign of closeness, a sign of "I love you so much and I never wanna let go." Which I did.

We went upstairs and I showed her my fortune cookie fortune collection, to which she added "on the toilet" after I finished reading each one. Trust me ... it makes everything hilarious. {"Your friends love having you around ... on the toilet." We're so mature.} Then we talked and talked and went downstairs, where we had a pomegranate-sucking contest as well as a golfish-catching-in-the-mouth contest, which obviously she won because she has to be a super vacuum* like that.

*of course, I'm only using this term because that's what society approves of. However it is my personal opinion that household vacuums are not vacuums at all, but lawnmowers in disguise. Otherwise your carpet, floor, house, etc. would've been SUCKED UP!!!!

Then we went back up to my room and she pulled out the notebook that we shared last year, which I hadn't seen since ... oh my gosh, since at least June ... Whoa!!!! We were forced to go downstairs by my parents, even though it was only about 11:50. Then we talked some more and had phone adventures and freaked out because we imagined looking out the window and seeing some random face. You imagine that, in the dark. It's not exactly fun, and we were in a basement.

Oh, and she caught a spider too. One thing I did not know about my best friend is that she likes to rescue spiders and throw them in my basement. SHE IS CRAZY! Now I'm afraid to go down there ...

Eventually we went to bed. I'm not going to put all the details here because of course, Pepper already knows what happened, and you don't need to know about how we had a hair strength contest. Which we did, incidentally.

Well, I'm rambling. I don't know if I had a point. I just wanted you all to know that last night was one of the funnest things I've done since forever. It was hilarious and silly and stupid and I felt like a five year old, trying to catch goldfish in my mouth, laughing at Pepper laughing at me laughing at her etc. ... it felt good. And I realize that, unlike the last time we had a sleepover, we didn't stay up the whole night talking about deep things.

But I know why. It's because we needed time for the shallow things. Sometimes you need a day not to think about how terrible everything's going, or to reflect on how you wish you were a clueless twelve-year-old again who fell too hard for everything but got up eventually. Sometimes you need to ... take a chill pill. But not an actual pill. Ugh, maybe I need some sleep.

Yesterday Pepper informed me that we are made of stars. Of course, this was immediately referenced to Taylor Swift's Starlight, the singer being a favorite of ours. And there's a line I love love love from that song:

He said, look at you worrying so much about things you can't change
You'll spend your whole life singin' the blues if you keep thinking that way

Okay, that was two lines. Whatever. I just ... want to tell you that if you're having a hard time, you don't always have to see a therapist. Sometimes you just have to see your best friend, and even then you don't need to spend hours talking it out and being all serious and not laughing so hard you could probably do a hundred more crunches than previously possible. All you have to do is smile a little. Laugh a little, loosen up a little, 'cause sometimes you just gotta say goodnight and know it'll all feel better in the morning.

Don't you see the starlight? 
Don't you dream impossible things? 

[P.S. This is one of the most discombobulated posts ever. I'm sorry.]

A Little Bit About Me & My Little Hands

Hey there! Pepper here! So what I've realized is that in my very first post, that taught an extremely over used and cheesy yet valuable lesson, you learned absolutely nothing about me at all. Nothing that you wanted to know at least! And now I bet you're all out there thinking, "Well. She's super boring. I'll just skip all hers and read Mints!" And I'm so sorry! I give off insanely terrible first impressions! Honestly. It's been nearly a year since I first started blogging and I'm still  I'm still trying to teach life lessons that everyone's already heard a bajillion times before!

So, I am going to purpose something. You take my word and believe that I really am, no matter how deep down it may seem, an interesting person. And I will try not to  be as dull and boring as I usually am! And to kick this off, I am going to  tell you all just a little bit about me, and we will all just pretend that this is our actual first introduction. (If anyone asks, just deny it! Deny it all.) Yeah? Yes? We good? Good.

Oh, also, you might want to pay attention, I'll quiz you later on in the post. NO! Don't check... Just... Trust me here, Kay :)

First thing you ought to know is at least just a few of my favorites, so here we are!
Fav. Color: RED! Love it!
Fav. Drink: Ooh. That's a hard one. I'm gonna have to go with water though because that way when the universe runs out of all the resources to make soda and all there is for anyone to drink is water I can be like, "Haha. You soda loving suckers. Bet ya wish you were me, over here being able to enjoy water. * this is where I'd stick my tongue out at said soda lovers *
Fav. Coin: Dimes! They're all small and tiny and adorable... just like… ME!
Fav. Shoe: Left one, all the way. :)
Fav. Sport: I know, normal question, how boring. I'm sorry! * sob sob * I know you all expected more from me! But it's okay, cause I'm into swimming and basketball, so can all be forgiven?

Well that's enough of my favorites, I oughta know yours! (If we ever get any viewers feel free to comment and tell me some of your favorites, or if we have something in common! Then we could be Twinners. Although you won't replace Mint as my official and forever twinner, sorry :( I know I'm awesome but we can't all like left shoes here)

Now I shall do that thing like those annoying forwards you get that make you talk about stuff you did and things that are 2 and half feet to the South East side of you. Or like the stuff that says, find the door closest to you and give it a name! You know, like the ones that you're like, "This is stupid, I won't forward it." And then by the end you're clicking the forward button anyway and putting fifteen more people through the same traumatization you've just been through. What a cruel world we live in. Anyway, moving on:

Things on your bedroom floor right now?
Dunno, it's kind of dark and I have only my phone that I am typing on to provide light, and obviously I have to use it to type up what I see and it's just wrong to ask me to multi task like that. -_-

If you were to run into a squirrel on your walk to the park would you keep it? If so what would you name it?
Well. If it weren't for certain parental units I would keep it! I would still give it a name though... I'd name it Fredrick. If it was a guy... if it was a girl I would name it after me! Pepper! Or after my amazing friend Mint!

And I am going to be a nice person and only give you a one question quiz :)
1) On a scale of 1 to 10 how awesome is Pepper?
          a) 10
          b)1000
          c)1 billion
          d) Infinity
The correct answer is d by the btw ;)

Well. I would say that by now you already know more about me than you wanted to. But I still want to tell you about the sweet kids on my bus. I ride on the Special Needs bus with my sister, who has autism. And just let me tell you, these people are the kindest people you will ever meet. And it just breaks my heart to think that there are people out there who would ridicule them. I wish so much that I could see the world the way that they look at it. These kids, they see innocence and goodness in everything. And they do pay attention and understand a lot more things than people think. They just have a harder time expressing it.

The reason I brought them up kind of ties into the title of my post. I was on the bus when I decided to talk to myself (I do this often as you will find out in later posts) Anyway. I was just talking about how small my hands were, cause they really are abnormally small! (But that's okay! They're so cute!) A couple minutes after I'd been ranting to myself about my hand size the

boy in front of me quietly said. "You do have small hands." I looked up, confused for a moment. Then
I realized that he was talking about me. I laughed. "Well I do, don't I?" He started laughing too, "Yes! You're hands are so small! My hands are so big!" Then the boy sitting across from me joined in and we spent the majority of the bus ride talking about my little hands. It was the first time I really connected with any of them, but it opened me up into their world where a bus ride length conversation about tiny hands and a new red headed friend can make a world of difference to them.

I just really wanted to share that with you guys, and please, if you have ever had an experience like this throw a comment my way. I would love to hear about it.

I'm Not a Cardboard Box

(For the record, I don't know why I put cardboard box up there in the title. But I'll go with it if you do.)

Today's been a mixed bag. By which I mean, it was mostly not okay but somehow I still think it is. However, I happen to be a teenage girl, so sometimes I get my feelings mixed up. I shall try not to get my facts wobbly, though.

Anyhow, I sat next to my friend Emilee on the bus, and she brought her Hungarian dictionary with her. I did that weird thing of mine where I come up with something obscure to do, and so I said "Let's go to the Hungarian-English part and look up the closest word to our names and find out what we are!"

Which was pretty entertaining, until I realized I was a drugstore. (Pharmacy. Chemist's. Whatever.) Emilee was a floor, and some of our friends were interesting things like plants or the verb "to touch".

School was interesting. There I was during English, where I watched my old friends hang out with their new friends and not me, which is a pretty depressing thing except for the fact that I've kind of not tried to make friends with their new friends. I have no classes with them except for English, and sometimes I'm afraid they'll bite. Which, considering the kind of friends that some of my old friends were, they might actually do.

And in another one of my classes I was doing a worksheet and I realized that one of my friends was neglecting to do the work herself and instead asking me for my answers and copying them down word for word. Which was Not Cool, so I started saying vague things like "Oh, I think it's this" when I knew perfectly well what the answer was 'cause I'd already written it down.

It reminded me of seventh grade when I befriended these girls who I shouldn't have, because they asked to copy my homework. And other reasons. Of course I said no!

But the thing is, it's not always easy to see when someone treats you like a cardboard box. There are so many of them in the world and they can all do wonderful things for you until they get a little soggy or chipped or bent, but then you throw them out and get a new one. I'm not telling you to keep all of your moldy cardboard boxes, but I'm just saying that you shouldn't let people treat you like one.

I shouldn't let people treat me like a pharmacy. And no, I do not have drugs, FYI. Anyhow, I've been realizing that sometimes I'm just too nice to say no. I like being friends with everyone, but sometimes you have to be careful of the people who don't think you're a friend. You're just something they can use until you can't be used anymore. And I thought I'd learned my lesson before, but you can never be too careful.

This makes me sad. But at the same time it makes me happy, because I know I'm friends with people like Pepper who will never ever treat me like a cardboard box, unless she's a hobo and calls me home.

You Are Worth It

Last week at my school we had, what they called, "Worth It Week" On Monday we wore pajamas, Tuesday mismatched socks, Wednesday we wore our best dress, Thursday we wore team shirts and caps and such, I even saw some overly enthusiastic people wearing Ute or BYU themed pants. And on Friday everyone was asked to wear either black, or teal, which are our school colors.

Now I know, I know, most people look at it and think, "How old do you really think we are. Come on. This is a middle school with grades 7-9. And you want us to essentially have a "Pajama Day." And I was really quite tempted to look at it like that too. I was not in the mood at all to participate and show school spirit to a school I didn't even want to be in.

I'd moved here over the summer, wished I could move back, and then had to go to a school where I knew absolutely no one, and they treated you like you were 5 years old. I hated walking into the Library, which I was so familiar with back in my old school, and being told to make sure I put my backpack in the cubbyholes before I entered into the area with the books and computers. 

I hated how the first two weeks of school nobody was friendly enough to think, "Hey. Look at that girl with the red hair leaning against the wall all alone.She's new. I remember cause she was in my English class this morning.  She isn't doing a thing. She's just sitting there. What could be the harm of asking her to sit with us at our table? Even if it was just for today."

I was leaning against that cold wall with my butt on the hard floor and wishing that I could be somewhere else. I was wishing that I could be back at my old school with all of my friends, wishing they would let me just go sit outside in the sun under a tree like we used to, and wishing that I could wander to a Practice Room in the music hall and sit there singing Taylor Swift songs on the piano with Mint. The worst thing about it was that I wasn't even permitted to pull out my phone during lunch when I am all alone, to text those friends I'd longed to be with all day. 

And you know, listening to those announcements, in that moment, I thought of everything I hated about that school, all the reasons why I didn't want to be there, much less be spirited about it. And I decided to take a step back.

I looked at how the school must look at me. To them I was not the lonely girl sitting in the hall that looked like she could use someone to talk to. To them I was the red head with her head buried in her note book and a look on her face letting everyone know just how miserable she was to be around them. I wasn't inviting at all. Why couldn't I just be brave enough to search out a friendly and recognizable face? Why didn't I try harder to make this all a much more enjoyable experience.

There was no way I was going to be moving back anytime soon, much less to say at all, and here I am spending my first two weeks glaring everybody down and being depressed and hating my life, when I hadn't even made an effort to be happy.

So I decided that, yes, I am definitely worth it. I have potential and I have the right to be happy. And only I can choose to have a good time. I can have a positive attitude and I will. Because I AM WORTH IT. And I always will be.

Lesson learned is that you're life will go the direction you take it. So take control and go the right direction, it's your choice and nobody else's.  

An Absence of Soup and Other Let-Downs

This morning I happened to be listening when the announcements came on. There was the pledge. The tennis team was congratulated, and so were some dirt bikers! (There are dirt bikers at my school? I should've known.) There wasn't much else, so we ended with the new thing they're doing this year, which is announcing what's on the main lunch menu.

I was in a hallway, so I happened to hear the menu. Clearly. And it included chicken noodle soup (why would I even need to hear anything after that?!).

What could possibly be more delicious? I want some
so bad right now ... great. I'm hungry and not home yet.

Can I tell you a few things about chicken noodle soup? (Well, not just a few. But I'm the writer here.) It's the favorite soup of Pepper-Mint. And probably favorite food, especially since chicken pattie sandwiches got ruled out because once Pepper found a bone and a bug in hers. (Mwahaha, you're probably grossed out now too.) Chicken noodle soup has marked momentous occasions in my life. It was another thing we bonded over, plus more things that I won't go into because I'm nice and under a time limit.

Anyway, I was really excited about this soup, and I told as many people as I could. My friend Ysabelle kind of looked at me like I was crazy (she thinks it's gross because it's like chicken juice). But some people just don't understand ... JK. But still.

So I was happy when I got into the lunch line with my other friend Olivia and she said the only reason she was there was that there was chicken noodle soup. We both agreed that it was the best thing ever and super delicious, but sadly that made me think of Pepper. So we talked about boys instead (what is it about high school girls and this topic?!).

But then we realized, as we neared the fifteen-minute mark of waiting, that people weren't coming out of the line with chicken noodle soup. In fact, no people in any line were! So dejectedly we left and Olivia also departed to go sit with one of her guy friends.

This is how my life seems to be going right now. Like chicken noodle soup. Or the absence of chicken noodle soup. I haven't had anything really really really really good like that in a while. I've had nice stuff. New stuff. But nothing comfortable, or warm, or filling. And I keep thinking that things are going to get better, but then they don't. Then I get let down, and what's worse than walking on the bottom of a deep, soupless pit is when you climb so high up you almost see the sky (and airplanes) before you fall again.

Dang it, life. I just want to have a good time. And some soup. :(

How I Met My Best Friend, Over a Dead Fish

A long long time ago, or what feels like a long long time ago, but really was only about two years ago, I was eating lunch with a group of mixed friends and acquaintances outside, underneath a certain tree. I was happy and soaking up the sunshine, but also sad. That was because of the fish.

This fish was named George, and he happened to be inside the water bottle that my friend Melanie had arrived to lunch with. He also happened to be dead, and today happened to be his funeral.

So after I finished and the burial spot had been chosen at a tree a while away (nobody wanted that smell around forever), Melanie and I dug a hole and made a ceremony out of unceremoniously dumping out the water bottle. But then we realized that this was a special moment. We had loved George while he was illegally (if school rules are laws) alive in our locker. So, we wanted to get it down on film.

The first person who sprang to mind was my friend Hannah, who always had her phone around. But she happened not to have brought it that day. The rest of my friends-with-phones didn't want to get close to the stinky fish, six inches under or no, and in desperation I finally ran back to the lunch tree and cried out "Who here has a phone and is willing to film the funeral?"

I think it was quiet for a moment before anyone responded, but then this girl stood up and said she had a phone and she'd be okay with the fumes. She was a redhead (so jealous, I've always wanted red hair) and I remember the white puffy vest she was wearing, and a red shirt, I believe. I'd seen her around (she was in a few of my classes) but never spoken to her. Anyway ...

I walked with her to the tree and we filmed it. Nothing special. The video is a little wobbly and there's just the sound of me saying "George, you were a wonderful pet," and Melanie and Hannah adding their sorrows as well. You can see the dirt, and a little orange flash of the fish. I should know, because I've seen the video at least twice. Once right after it was filmed, me complaining that my voice was awkward. Once about a year and a half afterward, laughing about how awkward my voice was. And how I met my best friend, over a dead fish.

I know, I know. Life is weird, but magic happens. I'd tell you about how our friendship took its first step, past another George and plenty of other adventures, right to the top. But you know, there's time for all that later. 'Cause you know, it's not like either of us is going to forget.

So welcome to our blog. We promise to try and keep it up and remember, despite things happen, like little fights or misunderstandings even after we promised we'd never do something dumb like let friendship falter (ooh, what a cool phrase). Or, you know, Pepper moving across the lake in June. But life is weird.

And magic happens.